Dear BPCWA worshipper, We conducted a Family Seminar about a month ago. This year, the topic was “Take Stock of Your Marriage”. This builds upon what was covered last year, “Building A Happy Marriage”. The audio and video messages have been uploaded to both our website and YouTube page, and I strongly encourage worshippers of all ages to avail themselves of them and learn. As it is often useful even for those who have attended to revisit what they’ve learned, I will summarise the lessons over this and next week. Stories often leave off after the couple gets married and rides off into the romantic sunset. However, after the vows, the challenging journey has only just begun. God instituted marriages and intended them to fulfil His spiritual purpose. However, the usefulness rests on whether such marriages follow God’s purposes honestly, not just outwardly.  To do so, we need to really face up to the state of our marriages before God.

Start facing up. “Face up” means to confront or deal directly with someone or something previously avoided. We tend to avoid dealing with sinful problems because they can seem unpleasant. Hence, our tendency is just to think that as long as we maintain the outward appearances of attending church meetings and services, that is acceptable. This is not true. If there are issues, we must face up to our marriage, because: 1) It affects our prayers. God says that because of “your iniquities . . . and your sins”, “he will not hear” (Isa 59:2). This must strike fear in our hearts to know our prayers for ourselves and our loved ones will, as the phrase goes, “fall on deaf ears” and not be answered. 2) It affects our walk with God. A lack of holiness that affects peace in a one-flesh marriage relationship will keep us from a close walk with God (Heb 12:14). 3) It affects our children.  We must remember that sin within the marriage may mean that our iniquities and transgressions will be visited upon our future generation(s) (Exo 34:7). 4) God will enforce the covenant of marriage. We think that Heb 13:4 only refers to God’s judgement upon adultery. But like how adultery is often done in “secret”, God is always present, witnessing our marriages, and He will judge. 5) It affects God’s Name. God likens marriage to the relationship between Christ and His church (Eph 5:31-32), and sin within a marriage mars this image. 6) Problems unresolved can snowball. Sins undealt with will only grow. 7) The problem remains, even if you ignore it. Hence, we must be honest when we assess our own marriages. Some signs of relationship problems include repeated arguments and criticisms, avoidance of each other, resentment, dependence on others for support, the silent treatment, or distrust. Spiritual problems are indicators of sin and cannot be ignored, even if open conflict has not yet surfaced. Moreover, for Christian marriages, the absence of these problems isn’t sufficient. Christian couples must search their own hearts for anything that prevents their marriage from glorifying God as He expects. The lack of edifying conversations, excuses when confronted with sin, disinterest in spiritual matters and family worship, ignoring sin, disagreements on biblical injunctions, desire to please the spouse at the expense of pleasing God and fulfilling our God-commanded roles, and thoughts that the spouse is not fulfilling their role are only but some initial signs that there are problems that must be faced up to. When married, the adults cannot choose to live as they wish because one-flesh means it affects and influences the spouse, and eventually the family too.

Take stock. This is to think carefully about your marriage and form an opinion about it, so that you can decide what to do. In the facing up process of taking stock, there are some hindrances that both parties must commit to address and overcome. The bottom line is that the God who created marriage and witnessed your union together is ultimately who you must please in your marriage – not each other.  How should we take stock of what to do? 1) Don’t be proud, putting on a facade and refusing to admit to problems. Instead, be humble because “God resisteth the proud, but giveth grace unto the humble” (Jas 4:6). 2) Don’t have unrighteous anger, “For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God” (Jas 1:20). Anger only compounds the unrighteousness. Instead, we must learn to forgive and “Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger . . . be put away” (Eph 4:31). This includes the relationship between parents and children at home. 3) Don’t deny sins. Sin loves hiding by living in self-deceiving denial. What is sin? Sin is the transgression of God’s law and not meeting His standards. It is not what we make up or how we want to interpret God’s commands according to our flesh, popular Christianity, or societal thinking. We naturally want to stubbornly remain in our sins and refuse to see things in God’s light and change. In the book of Malachi, though God brought accusations against His people, they continued to deny any wrongdoing. If this was done to the omniscient God who sees all things, what more between man? 4) Don’t delay repentance. Acknowledging sin doesn’t go far enough. Sin has consequences, and if we do not repent, it “bringeth forth death” (Jas 1:15). Refusing to acknowledge our sin leads to delayed repentance. 5) Don’t shirk your responsibility. Husbands are the heads, and those who fail to stop sin in their families will be held accountable now and when they meet God.  Wives who refuse to submit to the head when he corrects her sins will also reap the consequences.  6) Don’t ignore the elephant in the room. There may be obvious problems that everyone knows about but doesn’t talk about.  Do remember that your children will learn from you and follow in your footsteps of not facing up and taking stock.

Address the root problem. God’s Word gives us the diagnosis for all problems. “From whence come wars and fightings among you? come they not hence, even of your lusts that war in your members?” (Jas 4:1). What surfaces as problems are often just signs or symptoms, not the root problems. Problems may arise from sinful actions or words. But the source that fuels these actions is really the root of the problem. It is insufficient to deal only with behaviours, speech, and actions. Dealing with surface civilities will only cause them to re-erupt in another form because what is in the heart is not dealt with since “of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaketh” (Luk 6:45). Hence, we must obey God’s command to “Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life” (Pro 4:23) by addressing the underlying sin. While we yearn to be in the glorified body with perfected wills, marriages are between sinners on earth. What lies at the root of the problem that sparks the symptoms is our heart’s value system.

The Word of God is the rule. Spiritually mature Christians who renew their minds by God’s Word hold on to values based on the Word alone. It is the only true and lasting solution, especially for resolving issues, facing up to, and taking stock of the root of the problems and behaviours within our marriages. But to do that, it requires us to first be willing to turn to and submit to God’s Word as the basis of right and wrong. Sadly, what values we hold on to may be things that we hold dear from our old man, upbringing, culture, experiences, and from what society, community, family, education, and even popular “Christianity” teach us.

Be honest. As we studied last Lord’s Day, pride is the last frontier. It is utter foolishness to continue to hold on to it for our “faces” instead of God’s Word. We will continue to suffer and drag down everyone with us. Pride not only destroys the individual, but it also breaks marriages eventually. Failures in leadership and biblical love in the husband, and insubmission and stubbornness in the wife, result in unhappiness about correction on both sides. This leads to a host of other sins prevalent in marriage. But the root cause is really pride. We can be too proud to make the first move to change and to face up when we are wrong. We know in our minds that marriage is “till death us do part”. However, we can have parted ways in our hearts even before death, or even before actual divorce (which is sin). Men may not know, but God knows. Just as in any other aspect of our lives, we will be called to give an account one day of how we have lived within our marriages. When we stand before God, we cannot deny it, just as the people in Malachi’s day denied God’s accusations against them. God’s assessment of your marriage must be of utmost importance to you. If God has called you to marriage, can you confidently say now with a good conscience that God is pleased with your marriage?

“Whether therefore ye eat, or drink, or whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God.” (1Co 10:31)

Yours in our Lord’s service,
Pastor