Dear BPCWA worshipper, In last week’s pastoral, we looked at the “S” and “T” from the acronym “STOCK”, of what we need to do to take stock of our marriage. Marriages are not just for our self-satisfaction. God designed marriages to fulfil His spiritual purposes. If there are problems in the marriage, we must “S”tart to face up to them instead of avoiding what is unpleasant. Our marriages are part of our lives and will affect our spiritual walk with God. In “T”aking stock, we must think carefully about our marriages, to decide what to do. Instead of being defensive when sins are pointed out, we must humbly accept them before we are willing to change and correct the problem.

“O”bjective: Address the root problem. The key focus in taking stock of our marriage is to address the root problem, not just the symptomatic surface issue. Only then will we have lasting resolutions to problems. This is because the root issue is usually what we value most deeply in our hearts and hence what we are most stubborn about.What our hearts value drives our behaviours and actions. Consciously or unconsciously, our values affect our decisions and priorities. For example, Ananias and Sapphira (Act 5:1-11) lied that they had given all that they had sold. The problem may seem to be about a lie. However, this lie was spurred by hypocrisy to appear pious and was rooted in pride. A wife or husband who gives excuses and lies about why they cannot do this or that, or be part of this or that, can have a deeper spiritual issue. Of course, it is worse when both have the same spiritual malady. Neither will take stock. As a result, they will be fully united, but outside of God’s way, like Ananias and Sapphira. Both had a sinfully united purpose, priority, and pursuit. Stresses in life are also often blamed for marital problems. In reality, we like to excuse our sinful behaviours and lack of spiritual interest to external stresses. Job was tried exceedingly, but by and large, he stayed righteous.  Our refusal to control our spirit by yielding to the Holy Spirit is the root issue. Since God said “There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it” (1Co 10:13), we must admit it is our own sinfulness (e.g. bad temper, impatience, or pride) that causes us to respond badly when we encounter external stressors. And instead of two being better than one, we tempt each other to fall when we don’t address root issues. For example, Job’s wife tempted Job by telling him to “curse God, and die” (Job 2:9). See how frightening it is to not address root issues? The marriage was certainly undergoing tremendous stress, but Job’s wife succumbed while Job (who had a greater reason to buckle) stayed true and rebuked his wife for her sinful advice. Such stresses expose the root issues in our hearts when we respond instinctively, guided by our values rather than God’s Word.            

“C”hange. Ultimately, facing up to the problem and addressing the root cause is so that we will change. We must change before the marriage can change. We are but sinners saved by grace. But the Word of God is given “that the man of God may be perfect, throughly furnished unto all good works” (2Ti 3:17). Both parties must be committed to obeying the Word as a common basis for dealing with issues. For a start, to “put off” (Eph 4:22) our old habits and walk and “put on the new man, which . . . is created in righteousness and true holiness” (Eph 4:24). Else, the needed change cannot happen. Firstly, we must be honestly willing to pray for God to show “if there be any wicked way” (Psa 139:24) in us so that we can face up and repent. The yardstick is none other than full conformance to the perfect stature of God’s Word and God’s will for our lives. Also, we must be willing to change from thinking of “me” to thinking of “us and our family”. In marriage, this is often the biggest change needed. Sometimes, both need to honestly face up to their common sinful ways. Ananias and Sapphira both had the same spiritual issue. So, there is little motivation to change. We would even support each other’s sinful tendency (e.g. lack of interest in the Word or prayer). The solution? In marriage, God must be genuinely the central focus of everything in a Christian’s life, not self, and not even each other.  God must be pleased and glorified above all in a Christian marriage. The change, therefore, must step from focusing on “me” to “us and our family must glorify and please God”. Only when we want to make our marriages better for God will we do anything and everything, and address any issue needed to make it happen. The picture of this is when 1) Our daily spiritual actions keep God’s commands from the heart (Deu 4:6-9); 2) All choices and decisions are based on God’s headship (1Co 11:3); 3) The love and conversation in the marriage reflects that of Christ and His bride, the Church (Eph 5:32); and 4) We love God with our all (Deu 6:5). With these, there is a common consensus and unusual unity. With such unity of heart and purpose, either or both parties may not have their personal desires satisfied, but that’s ok if God’s will is done. Conversely, we see in David and Michal the problems that can happen when both are not of the same heart toward God. They seemed to epitomise love and sacrifice for each other, but when a situation arises whereby pride (love for self) must take second place to love for God, Michal despised David in her heart (2Sa 6:16) because David was willing to debase himself before his LORD. When Abram and Sarai failed to take stock of their marriage, Abram continued to please his wife while Sarai ended up blaming Abram for the problems that ensued with Hagar. This resulted in the chastitive will of family problems.

 “K”eep the end in mind. It is all too easy to just pass day by day and let the problems in our marriages continue. We must, however, keep in mind that there are consequences when we do not take stock of our marriages with the objective of addressing the root problem and be willing to change to follow God’s ways. A good reminder is what just Lot lost. Choosing to pursue the world, Lot lost his wife (Gen 19:26), his unmarried daughters who after being forcibly pulled out of Sodom committed incest with him (Gen 19:36), and his married daughters (Gen 19:14). Although Lot was vexed (2Pe 2:7), he chose to ignore his problem of worldliness and his family’s godlessness, stay put, and not change. He paid the high price of sacrificing his family to keep his sin. Keep this picture in mind!

As we close off the recap of the Family Seminar messages, have you determined to take stock of your marriage and started to do something about it? Don’t procrastinate. Some regrets are too late. Some losses cannot be regained, especially when it comes to lives. Spiritual losses are far more painful than physical. Lot and his family were not a fable. It is a tragic but true account of a family. How did Lot feel at the end of his life, trading his family for the temporal pleasures of sin? God does not wish any of His children to end as Lot did. Salvific grace is irresistible, but we can reject the grace that God offers His children to turn away from their sin. It is ultimately to their own detriment. Each time God sends His word, He is offering His child His grace and mercy. But it is up to us to respond, repent, and turn back to Him. If any will not “S”tart with facing up to their marriage, “T”ake stock of it with the “O”bjective of addressing the root problem, “C”hange to glorify and please God, then “K”eep the end in mind. Lot’s end must be a fearful reminder of the consequences. 

“Remember Lot’s wife. 
33 Whosoever shall seek to save his life shall lose it; and whosoever shall lose his life shall preserve it.”  (Luk 17:32-33)

Yours in our Lord’s service,
Pastor